Back In Limbo

So, we just celebrated Faith's first birthday and I am in love with both her and motherhood.  She's a joy and life is rather fabulous with her.  Of course there are challenging times, but I finally feel like I'm living the life I was meant to have instead of being in a perpetual state of tortuous limbo.  So why the blog title?  Because, as before, I want lots of kids.  So starting over on that quest puts me back into the mental state where there are too many unknowns for my liking.  There's the PCOS/infertility factor, there's the faith/fear factor, the finances factor, and now we have the newcomer: the breastfeeding factor.

As you may recall from previous posts, the PCOS factor is where we got started in the beginning.  My body's version of PCOS leads to no ovulation.  I have perfectly textbook PCOS ovaries according to one doctor: they're full or pearly partially mature follicular cysts.  So since my body never releases mature eggs, I rarely have a menstrual cycle because my body gets stuck on that one step.  But since there are rare occasions when I do have a cycle, I never truly know if at any given moment I might actually have a chance at a natural conception.

Then there's the faith/fear factor where I truly believe that I'm meant to birth more babies with this body, but simultaneously scared that Faith will be an only child.  After years of infertility, it's still hard to believe she's here sometimes, let alone that she's well, growing, and developing normally.  Nothing of the infertility has touched her!  Not that I expected it to, but that the issues consumed so much it's such a breath of fresh air that she's perfectly separated from it.  But in the meantime, I want to do it again and have to have faith and trust that God will honor my prayers on that.

Of course, fertility treatments aren't cheap, and neither are the costs of having a baby.  Not to mention random things that can (and did) happen where we had major household repairs, we're not in a good place financially.  So even though we both would love to have another baby, there's no way we could go get treatments again at this moment.  None.  And that is super frustrating.

But the finances aren't the major deterrent to treatment because I know I'll have some hassle from my specialist about using the ovulation induction medications while breastfeeding.  And I don't plan on stopping that any time soon.  As hard as I worked to get to this point, I'm super proud of my body for creating and then growing a fabulous girl.  Not to mention she's not even close to weaning herself from breastfeeding: there are days when we hang out together and she's still perfectly content with only having breastmilk to eat all day.  This kid ain't giving up no time soon and I won't force her to, not even for her future siblings.

So yeah.  Limbo.  But it's a much more peaceful limbo now that I have Faith to keep me company.  I mean, look at that smile!

BTW - please vote for her in this competition.  She NEEDS to win!