Challenge

In my walk with Christ, and with my professional training in both arts and sciences I recognize patterns when I see them. 

This is a season of challenge for me. 

Although I am not the one to make God my last resort when faced with issues, I do know that I am somewhat reluctant at times to be immediately obedient to His prompts.  Why?  Because as my Pastor so eloquently put it: I know it will challenge me to a new level of maturity.

I won't go into all the varying challenges, but they are hitting me in every area of my life: personal, professional, relational, spiritual, emotional...  And in every one of them God is prompting me to accept a new level of responsibility, a new way of embracing life, a new me.

Yesterday, someone specifically sought me out to pray for a woman who recently lost a twin pregnancy.  So many emotions immediately boiled over in me: anger, frustration, fear, grief, sorrow, desperation, regret - not all for myself.  I recalled the devastation of losing David and William and my heart ached for her.  Not even knowing who she is, I hurt for her.  But I recognized the challenge.

Losing a pregnancy, no matter how far along a woman is, is a painful process.  There are not many words that can be said to comfort her because there's nothing to be said or done to bring back her babies.  The pain of knowing you'll never hear them cry, see them grow, kiss their sleeping face, or smell their heads isn't something that can be eased or erased with a trite platitude.  (See also Exhibit B and Exhibit C)

If, after reading through this meager blog, she would like to reach out to me, I'll be here for her.  But if simply knowing that others care, even strangers, is enough, I'm okay with that as well.  Part of what got me through was finding ways to not simply be mad, angry, bitter, and depressed.  I did something with it: I wrote to my sons, I cried, I prayed, I yelled at God, I hugged my husband, I blogged, I talked about it on social media.  There was no way for all of that to have remained inside me and I stay sane.  But even with all of that venting, my husband later confessed he still worried for my sanity at times!  What truly anchored me in all of that was the care of my friends & family - the ways in which they reached out to me and expressed their love and care for me overwhelmed me and pulled my heart back from the grave.

So my challenge in this is to pray for her and grow in grace and compassion.  To let go of that last tendril of bitterness that still curls through my gut when I hear of others' pregnancies.  To not be offended and resentful when folks tell me "my time is coming". 

It's easy to cry for her: the pain is still very real for me. 

The challenge is to reclaim my joy and let my smile be real.